I want to express my gratitude to the electrician that rewired my house and left the old labels. The breaker marked "Kitchen Lites" actually controlling the porch and nothing in the kitchen, which is on the opposite end of the house, was super intuitive and helpful.
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@cryptoxic maybe he knew you were "cryptoxic", and thought you'd appreciate cryptic labels
@resist1984 honestly, the breaker box is not an area I expected to use a binary search. But now it has been done.